As they drove Claire sat next to him chain smoking cigarettes, watching the sky and catching a few stars between clouds. They didn’t speak much and listened to the road fly by beneath them. Every now and then Hollis would hear her sniffle like her nose was running. He drove until the sun rose. The sky was pink under a layer of dark clouds. Off in the east a golden sun peaked out from behind the tallest mountain which was littered with snow. The clouds looked like they were dripping, and they were. He was getting tired. Almost too tired to drive. He saw a small roadside motel along the highway, pulled in and with some money from the tin he booked a room for that day and the day after under the names Felix and Lucy Hernandez. Claire wasn’t the only one who had an alias. He went back to the truck and tried to wake Claire but she didn’t budge. She was crashing from all the drugs she’d been taking for who knows how long. He assumed she’d be out for a while. Her lips were turning dry. He picked her up and she hung limply in his arms. He carried her up the stairs to their room where he laid her on the bed under the bed sheets. The room was a large size though empty. It held a king-sized bed, a dresser with a TV on top and a round table with four armed chairs around it. He left her to lock up his truck. When he got back he laid next to her on the bed, over the covers, facing the wall and fell asleep quickly.
Hollis awoke not remembering his dreams. The sun was still up. He looked over and Claire and she was still asleep in the same position he had left her in. He had to check to see if she was still breathing. She was. He left her asleep and went across the street to find himself some food. There was a fast food restaurant across the street so he ate some of that. It filled the hole. Over the years he had settled for less. He returned to the room where Claire was still sleeping, unchanged. He laid back down next to her and tried to watch TV, but wasn’t entertained so he turned it off and slept on and off.
Long after the sun went down Claire woke up. She opened her eyes and saw the dark room, not knowing where she was. Her first thoughts were “Not again,” and she whispered the word “Shit.” Then she heard the steady breathing next to her. She rolled over and could make out the outline of Hollis’ back, a figure she used to see everyday. The sight relieved her.
She sat up. Her mouth was dry. Standing up she went to the bathroom sink and drank three cupfuls of water. Looking at her reflection in the mirror she hardly recognized the girl facing her, and that wasn’t because there was no light in the room. Though these past couple of days she had looked more like herself than she had for years.
Claire felt horrible. She felt like she was going to vomit. She grunted and bent over the bathroom counter, resting her forehead on it. Hollis heard her and sat up. He had woken up when he heard her say “shit.”
The feeling passed for Claire and she walked through the dark room looking for cigarettes. Hollis turned on a light and she shielded her eyes for a second. When she brought her hands down she saw a pack sitting on the table. She sat down and lit one up. There was only one left. Hollis stood and moved silently to the table, sitting down and lighting the last cigarette for himself.
They sat smoking in silence for a few minutes. “Where are we?” Claire asked at last.
Hollis shrugged. “Some trucker stop in the middle of nowhere.” He ashed his cigarette into the ashtray.
“Oh,” Claire said with the cigarette between her lips. They finished in silence. Claire snubbed out her butt in the ashtray and stood up. She stood over Hollis and he looked up at her. She was looking across the room. “I’m going to shower,” she said.
“Okay,” Hollis replied, watching her walk away.
In the bathroom Claire shut the door and undressed. She saw her reflection in the mirror. Her body looked shrunken and her face had shadows. No wonder Hollis looked so shocked when he first saw her. She got into the shower when it was hot and bathed with the sample soaps. It only took a few minutes. Nausea swept over her suddenly and she sunk down to her feet and squatted under the water stream with her head buried in her hands between her knees.
She must have been sitting like that for a while because Hollis knocked on the door and opened it a crack. “You okay, Claire?” He asked.
“Yeah,” her voice croaked. She raised her head into the water stream.
“Do you need anything?”
Yeah, she thought. I need a hit. “No, I’m all done.” Claire stood up and turned the water off.
“Okay,” he said and closed the door.
Claire turned off the shower, pulled back the opaque shower curtain and dried off. She put her same clothes back on and dried her hair with the towel. Hanging her towel up she left the bathroom and went back to the table, looking through the few things on top. Hollis sat next to her, watching her.
“Are you hungry?” He asked.
“No,” she said. She plopped into a chair and picked up the empty cigarette pack, crushing it. “Are there any more smokes?”
“No,” he said. Claire sighed. “There’s a convenience store at the gas station across the street.”
“Is it open?”
“Should be all night.”
Claire stood up and looked out the curtains. She saw neon lights glaring through the dark chill outside. She felt a strange sense of déjà vu. She saw Hollis’ reflection moving in the window. He stood behind her.
“Do you want to go there?” He asked.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I feel pretty bad,” she said.
“You need some food in you.”
Claire shook her head. Eating was the last thing she wanted to do. “No. I don’t think I’d be able to keep it down.”
Hollis looked at her with concern. “I see,” he said. He picked up Claire’s jacket and helped her into it. She put her shoes on and he slipped into his own jacket. She stood looking at him. She wanted to feel his skin. That would help her feel better. But she didn’t dare touch him. He would come to her when he was ready.
Claire followed Hollis out of the room and down the stairs of the motel. She walked with her hands in her jacket pockets. Their breath came out in white puffs and the ground was sprinkled with a thin layer or snow. There were no clouds in the sky and the starts twinkled around a moon sliver.
In the parking lot when she saw the truck she asked, “Do you have any money?” Her pockets were empty.
“Yeah,” he said, looking at her. “I got some food earlier while you were sleeping.” They crossed the street and he opened the door for her at the convenience store and followed her. Inside, she followed him through the isles as he picked up some things; a box of crackers, a bag of chips, a bag of popcorn, a bag of pretzels, some snack cakes, a pre-made sandwich, some beef jerky, a gallon of water. Claire held some things for him and pulled out a six-pack of generic ale from the cooler. Hollis looked at her and handed her a small bottle of orange juice. At the counter as the clerk rank up their items Claire asked to add on a carton of cigarettes. Their total came to $58.91 and Hollis paid with a $100 bill. The clerk held the bill up to the light to check authenticity, then counted out their change. Hollis led Claire out of the store carrying all 3 plastic bags plus the gallon of water.
“Do you want me to carry any of those?” Claire asked outside as they walked through the gas station parking lot. She held out a hand.
“No, its okay, I got it,” Hollis said. Claire lowered her hand and nodded. She walked next to him across the street and in front of him up the stairs.
At the door Hollis asked her to get the key from his jacket pocket. He watched her face as he felt her tugs, taking the key out and then slid it into the slot in the door. The door opened and he followed her inside.
He set the plastic bags on the table. It was starting to look cluttered. He sat down and fished the sandwich out of a bag and started to eat it. He offered half to Claire but she declined and tore open the carton of cigarettes, lighting one. She pulled out a beer and opened it with a lighter. Hollis pulled out the small bottle of orange juice and set it in front of Claire. She glanced up at him through her smoke.
“Drink this first,” He said.
“Why?”
“You need something more than smoke and alcohol in your body.”
“But I already opened this beer.”
“Then I’ll drink this one.” Hollis picked it up and downed half, burping. “And I’ll drink all the rest until you drink that juice.”
Claire picked up the small plastic bottle of orange juice and looked at the label. It was only 16oz. “There are unnatural ingredients in here,” she read, blowing out a cloud of smoke. “High fructose corn syrup, and also corn syrup. Food coloring.”
“It’s still something more substantial and real than cigarettes.” Hollis took a bite of his sandwich.
She knew he wouldn’t let her continue until the juice was gone. Annoyed that he was telling her what to do she opened the bottle and downed the entire contents as he watched. She slammed the empty bottle on the table asking, “Happy?”
Hollis finished his sandwich and replied, “Yes.” He opened a fresh beer and placed it in front of her. Her fingers touched the neck of the bottle tentatively. She smoked the rest of her cigarette and snubbed it out before drinking the beer. Then she lit another cigarette. Hollis opened the bag of chips and ate some, finishing his beer. Unnatural ingredients, he thought. What was so natural about all the drugs and toxins she’d been putting into her body lately? He put the chips away, lit a cigarette and opened another beer.
“How long are we staying here?” Claire asked, drinking from her beer.
“We have to check out tomorrow by 11am. Unless you want to stay. We could register another day,” Hollis told her. Smoke escaped his lips as he spoke.
“Well, where would we go if we left tomorrow?” Claire asked.
Hollis shrugged and ashed his cigarette into the ash tray. “Anywhere.” He drank his beer. “Why, do you want to stay here?”
Claire glanced around the big, smoky, empty room, her eyes landing on the littered table in front of them. “I guess not.”
“Then we’ll leave tomorrow,” Hollis said.
“Okay.”
“Can you wake up in time?”
“Yeah.” Claire snubbed out her cigarette. She didn’t know if she would even fall asleep again.
“You want to go anywhere is particular?”
She shook her head. “No.” She drank from her beer. She knew where she wanted to go, but she couldn’t tell him. She wanted to go to him. A fire was growing in her body, spreading out to her fingertips. She hasn’t felt passion since before she left him and she was hungry for it. She needed something to override the past years of physical and mental mutilation. She twitched and he looked at her curiously. She turned and lit a new cigarette. The room was filling up with smoke nicely.
“Would you want to go home?” Hollis asked.
Claire laughed. “Fuck no. I don’t have a home.” The only home I have is with you, Hollis, she thought. She blew smoke out of her nose.
“You don’t want to see your family?” He asked her. She shook her head. Hollis shrugged and said, “Well, I guess we could head north.”
“Where ever sounds good,” Claire said, drinking her beer with her cigarette poking out from her fingers. “Anywhere is as good as a place as any, I guess,” She said after finishing her beer. She opened another bottle and snubbed out her cigarette. They were well on their way to smoking the whole pack already. Suddenly she was overcome with a chill and scratched her neck. Hollis sat watching her with his cigarette between his lips, smoking it as he breathed in and out.
He wanted to know exactly why she left three years before. He has a pretty good idea. They were going through rough times. But he thought there was more to it that he didn’t know. He left his cigarette in his mouth to keep from saying something he didn’t want to. He took a quick drink, finishing his beer. Then he stuck his cigarette back in his mouth.
“You look nervous,” Claire noticed, cutting into his thoughts.
“Nope,” Hollis said, reaching out to the ash tray. He looked at her and saw her looking back at him. He realized after speaking that it was probably the nervous thing to say. “Just thinking about where we could go,” he added.
“Oh,” Claire said. She paused. “I think it’s better not to think about it. We should just… go.”
Hollis nodded and smiled. “Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do.”
Claire smiled back. She stood up, kissed his temple and went into the bathroom. He turned and watched her and when the bathroom door closed he snubbed out his cigarette. She probably didn’t think about her actions just then, but the feeling of her lips on his face gave him conflicting thoughts.
When she came back out Hollis took his turn. Then they both drank their third beer and smoked two more cigarettes while talking a little through the tension. They both felt awkward and knew it needed to end somehow.
“I think we should go to bed,” Hollis suggested, “if we want to get enough sleep to leave in the morning and drive.”
“Okay,” Claire agreed. She killed her last smoke and they stood up. Claire looked over at the bed that she had only gotten up from several hours before.
Hollis went to the bed and sat on the far side, taking off his shoes. Claire took her shoes and jeans off and regretted not putting on underwear when she first got dressed in her clothes. She thought about putting her jeans back on, but knew that wouldn’t be comfortable and would make it more difficult for her to try to sleep. She crawled back into her spot under the sheets quickly. Hollis turned off the light and stretched out over the covers. They lay in the dark listening to each other breath. Claire couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not. She lay with her eyes closed, waiting to fall asleep. She knew she had some time before she did. She rolled onto her back and crossed her arms across the length of her torso. Her heart rate slowed down and then she felt Hollis move next to her. They must have been resting for at least an hour, probably more. She thought he was just rotating positions, getting more comfortable but she felt his pressure on the mattress around her. She held her breath and kept her eyes closed. Her heart rate sped up. His face was close to hers and she could feel his warm breath against her skin. He touched her through the blankets, pulled them down and ran his hand up her arm. His breathing sounded almost shallow. His hand went down her arm and torso to her leg and she began to breathe again, slowly through parted lips, keeping her eyes closed.
Hollis was not prepared for the touch of her bare thigh. It sent shocks up his fingertips to his heart. He swept his hand up under the back of her shirt and with his hand on her bare back he lifted her to his lips and kissed her. Claire’s hands grasped at his shirt and chest, her arms wrapped around his neck and they kissed deeper. She felt the softness of his beard scratch her face and pulled him closer into her kiss. When they broke apart Claire opened her eyes and saw Hollis’ gazing directly into hers. She touched his face and felt his hands travelling over her body.
Claire pulled his face down and they kissed again, passion running through their bodies like electricity; passing through them wherever their bodies touched. When Hollis’ hand found its way to her bare private area it shocked him like 1000 volts. He stopped and slowly pulled away from her. He rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed with his back towards her. She was left afraid that she had responded too enthusiastically to him. Hollis bent his head down and rubbed it with his hands. He grabbed his shoes and put them on, getting up and grabbing his jackets and car keys and left to sleep in his truck. He felt like scum.
Claire lay in bed until the sun came up and light started to filter into the room. She spent her time wondering what went wrong. She couldn’t have responded to him wrong; they always complemented each other’s contact perfectly, ever since the beginning. The only conclusion she could come to was it was just too soon. There was too much overgrowth in between then and it needed to be cut down. She was lying on her side, looking toward but not at the door until the sun’s light had filled the room enough to see everything well. She got up, put on her jeans and looked out the curtains, looking for his truck. It was still at the end of the parking lot next to an empty dirt lot. The motel was surrounded by dirt everywhere. They were still in a desert climate. She let the curtain fall closed, shutting out the brightness and sat at the table smoking cigarette after cigarette until there was a knock at the door. The room key was still on the table next to the ash tray. Claire tipped back in her chair and stretched behind her, turning the knob enough for the door to pop open slightly. She turned back around.
Hollis opened the door and walked in, closing it behind him. He looked down and saw Claire sitting in the same shape as her chair, arms resting on the arm rests, cigarette sticking out from her fingers. She looked erect like a queen. As he walked around her she looked up to him and brought her cigarette to her lips. He caught a chill. Her eyes were powerful. He sat down and lit his own cigarette. They smoked, looking at each other but not speaking. When Hollis snubbed his smoke out he said, “Let’s go.”
Claire didn’t say anything and stood up. As she put on her jackets and shoes he took their belongings to the truck and waited for her there. When Claire sat down and closed the car door, Hollis was sitting behind the wheel, smoking and waiting for the truck’s engine to warm up. He didn’t look at her. He needed his emotions to cool down before he had any initiated contact with her. He tossed his butt out the window, put the truck into gear and pulled out of the parking lot. First he went across the street and filled up his tank, then turned right onto the road and drove north.
Hollis kept to driving on small local state highways. When the sun was right above them he was driving on a 2-lane highway in the middle of a field with few, scattered, bare trees just below the mountains to the west. The mountains were high and capped with snow. The sky was clear, blue and cold. They weren’t speaking.
Claire had a hollow feeling that cigarettes weren’t curing. She needed something else. She turned around and rummaged through the bags of food Hollis had bought the night before and found the open chip bag. She ate three and noticed they weren’t helping her. They were doing the opposite. She put the chip bag away.
Hollis watched her from the corner of his eye. He saw her drink from the half empty water jug. She put it back and lit a fresh cigarette. They had been driving for a while now. He felt relaxed enough to finally talk to her. There was a question on his mind and he needed to get past it.
“Claire,” he said.
“Yeah?” Her gaze kept on the scenery flying past them and she ashed out the crack in the window.
He took a deep breath. “How many times have you been pregnant?”
Claire didn’t move. She kept her gaze out the window. She knew this question was coming, she just didn’t think it was going to be so soon. Bringing her cigarette to her lips she said, “Three.”
A pause.
“You had abortions?”
She blew out the smoke. “Yes.” As much as she had expected this, she wasn’t prepared for the actual moment. She felt like she was shaking. Up until now she wasn’t sure if he knew or not.
“Recently?”
“No.”
“When?”
A pause.
“A year after I left, and eight months after that.” The cigarette was between her lips again.
“And the third?”
Smoke blew out from her mouth. “It was the first.”
Hollis turned to look at her. “When was the first?”
He did not know.
She paused before she said, “When I left you.” She did not turn from the window.
Hollis didn’t say anything. Thought were running through his head at racing speeds. He turned to concentrate on driving. Keep steady, he told himself over and over again.
He spoke slowly. “You were pregnant… when you left… with my…”
Her silence answered him and he suddenly jerked the wheel and pulled off the road, placed the truck in park and turned to her. She was still staring out the window holding her cigarette up to her mouth, smoking.
“Why did you leave?” Hollis begged, looking at her. He wasn’t expecting this to hit. “Why did you get rid of it?”
For the first time, Claire turned and looked into his face. He looked vulnerable. Her eyes were sad. She turned her face away and looked straight ahead of her and said, “I didn’t want a child that was conceived when you were calling me Laura.”
Hollis stared at her, wide-eyed beneath his glasses. Then he turned forward and violently hit the steering wheel. How could he have been so stupid?
He sat in his seat breathing then threw his door open and jumped out of the truck, slamming the door shut. Claire kept her gaze forward. He paced next to the truck a few times running his fingers through his wavy hair before crossing the deserted road and walking across the field towards the mountain base.
Claire turned and saw him when he was across the street walking in the field. When he was so far she couldn’t see him anymore she reached over and turned off the engine, taking the keys from the ignition and leaving them on his seat. She got out of the truck and stretched. The sun felt warm. It was a warm day, probably in the 40’s. She sat on the ground outside the truck on the embankment, smoking cigarettes. Then she stood up and pulled a bottle of beer from the back of the truck which was chilled from the cool air, walked down the embankment to a big boulder stuck in the ground not far from the truck, maybe forty yards, and sat on it drinking and smoking. She studied all the details of the horizon; the trees, the mountains in the distance, a wooden tower, airplanes in the air. She waited for Hollis to return.
Hollis hoped he’d get caught on someone’s land and get shot. He deserved it. It was true. He didn’t remember calling her Laura. He didn’t even remember making love to her much while he was seeing Laura. He regretted every second of every day since Laura came back into his life once Claire had taken off. Claire was busy trying to finish her last semester of college and graduate with honors so she was preoccupied. Laura, the first girl he ever loved had recently come back to town. Laura had left him when she cheated on him and decided she needed a change in her life and broke his heart. They had grown up together. She came back and tricked him with seduction, saying she made a mistake leaving and life was better for her with him. She didn’t care that he was with someone else. He felt powerless. Claire was busy working and Laura was giving him every second of her attention. He must have come home drunk one night and shared Claire’s bed. Too drunk to remember, and obviously too drunk to be careful.
He walked until he made it to the mountain base and kept walking up. It was his fault Claire left. It was his fault he cheated on her. And she knew about it. And why did he do it, anyway? Why would he want to hurt and ride off the best girl he’s ever met? Was he afraid? Afraid of happiness? Not one thing was wrong with Claire and because he was insecure with being happy and belonging he broke her into pieces which devastated her, made her leave to put herself through hell, not even trying to put herself back together. He changed their lives with one fell swoop.
He sat down on some dirt on the side of the mountain and rubbed his face. He remembered going to the home they shared and not finding her there. Her work had been abandoned. She must have left when she found out she was pregnant and then killed their baby. He gave a short laugh. If she told him she was pregnant then, would they have kept it? Would he have told her to kill it? Would he have stayed with her or kept his affair going? He didn’t know. He was in a selfish phase then. She knew that. He sat for a while, telling himself to get over it. She had to be over it by now, right? She had three years of getting over it behind her.
But how fair was it of her to leave and kill you child? a voice in his head said.
Get over it, he told the voice. She did what she had to do.
She did what she had to do? Kill a life you created and her own soul?
Get over it. This isn’t just about you.
Get over it.
Get over it.
Hollis heard the faint trickle of water. He got up and walked toward the sound. Not far away he found a small, half-melted stream. He stood watching the water glide by under a thin cliff of ice. Even though the stream froze, the water still found a way to move again. He squatted down and let the cold water run over his fingers, chilling them. His fingers grazed some rocks and he picked one up. It was smaller than his palm, rounded, gray with a band of white quartz cutting through the middle. He grasped it tightly. He imagined all his anger transferring inside the rock, trapped forever. He would keep it to remind him of his mistakes and to never make them again. He put the rock into his pocket. It helped him feel strong, feel in control.
Hollis turned and looked back where he came up. He could see his footprints. He didn’t know how long he’d been up there, or exactly how far away he was. He thought of Claire. He thought about how beautiful she was and good-hearted and how much fun they had together when they met. He never wanted to be with anyone else. He loved her. He’d never stopped. Why else would he drop his life and look for her for so long? He cursed himself for the mistake he made. Now he felt composed enough to return to her. He began walking down the mountain, across the field and to his truck.
She wasn’t in the truck, or by it. He looked around him. The truck keys were on the driver’s seat. He looked beyond the truck into the field and saw a figure that looked like Claire lying on a boulder with her face towards the sky, legs dangling off the side. He walked to the figure and she turned at the sound and sat up. He thought she never looked more beautiful. When he reached her he fell to his knees before her and buried his face in her lap. His eyes felt like they were going to tear up but they remained dry. Her hands went around his head and she lifted it, standing up and pulling him to stand with her. He looked at her face. It was calm. He was sure his own face was all screwed up. He grabbed her body and held her tight. She hugged him back. He lifted her up and her legs went around his body tightly. He stood there holding her. When he finally set her down the sun was well on its way to the horizon. Her hands ran down his chest as she was placed on the ground.
Claire looked up at him after a moment and said quietly, “Let’s go.” Hollis nodded and they turned and Hollis followed her back to the truck. Off they drove in silence. They listened to the sound of the road flying beneath the tires, hardly speaking. Hollis was trying to cope with himself and Claire just wanted him to get over it. They were together now. They could start again. The past only got in the way.
200 miles later the sun was down. Claire was leaning her head against the window, looking at the stars. Clouds were blocking some spots of the sky, starting in small numbers of thin, gray wisps and as they drove on the clouds got bigger and thicker and more numerous, eventually covering the whole sky.
Claire was falling asleep. Sometimes the truck would jolt and wake her back up. Her eyes were closed, her brain was slowing and she started to speak quietly and slowly.
“Hollis…”
He turned to look at her. He kept quiet.
“You’ve always been the best.” She paused. “I always tried to keep you separate from them. They’ve got nothing on you.”
He wanted her to stop.
She continued. “I didn’t associate them with you. I wasn’t even myself. It was… different.” Her words were slowing. “I had… no passion... no love. No pleasure. I had to keep you separate. They’ve got… nothing… to do with you.” Silence followed and she was asleep.
Hollis kept driving on and glancing over at her from time to time. He didn’t know where he was driving to. He didn’t know why he kept going. He understood what she had been trying to tell him. She was probably speaking sub-consciously. She didn’t make love to all of them like she would with him. She pretended to be someone else. She kept an important part of herself hidden from them. She fucked them like a six dollar whore, getting violated, faking it the whole time. He didn’t want to hear it, but it was good that he did. He wasn’t a part of it. He knew he didn’t have to worry about her faking anything with him.
They were high in the mountains now. Hollis guessed they were somewhere near Lake Tahoe . He was tired. He pulled off the road into some trees and turned off the car. He rolled out the foam sleeping pad in the back of his truck, moved some things into the cab and set up his two sleeping bags, one on top of the other. It was cold outside that night.
He walked to the passenger door and opened it. Claire was asleep, leaning on the door and woke up as she nearly fell out. Hollis caught her before she got hurt.
“What’s going on?” She asked sleepily.
“We stopped. Have to sleep,” he said, helping her out of the truck. He locked up the cab and they climbed in the back. Claire fell back asleep quickly. It took Hollis a little more time. The last thing he remembered was noticing how much warmer it was with her in the truck.
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